We're All Gonna Die Again
by GhostPhoenix
Summary: A one-shot about what happens when the Elite Squad and friends attempt to learn to drive. Crack-fic.


Disclaimer: I do not own the ideas of Bleach. Ok, so, Kitsune-242 did a Death Driving thing to get rid of the plot-bunnies. And actually, two of them got it on in the bed of a truck… *shivers* Anyway, this is the way I would've done it. I put in TorishiSatori, Kitsune-242 and my characters.

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><p><span>This really has no title, so I came up with one last minute…<span>

…We're All Gonna Die… Again…

That's good enough… Right?

The countless people stood, waiting for some kinda insparation to hit them. There was nothing more for them to learn, it seemed, and every time they sparred the battles lasted until someone got bored with it. Sora sighed and Rakuen gave her a strange look.

"What?" she asked. Sora looked around at all of her 'friends'.

"I never got to learn how to drive." While they had all thought of it, Sora had turned sixteen last week. She was right. Rakeun had been driving for a little while before they had departed for the world of the dead, and Torishi had had her permit for a while, but Sora never even begun to learn. Rakuen was the first to step up and speak.

"I'll teach you!" Sora looked up at her, seeming enthusiastic.

"You will?" The eldest sister nodded.

"Consider yourself enrolled into the 'How to Drive for Morons' course!" she screamed as the words floated around her head, echoing in high-pitched voices the exact thing she had just said. Sora's eyes went all sparkly, as if she were imagining kittens, prancing on the rainbow-shit of unicorns that eat Skittles. "As a matter of fact, I'll teach you all!" There was a short silence.

"We're screwed." Came a voice from the back of the group.

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><p><em><strong>:…Sora…:<strong>_

Sora fastened her helmet, which was orange with flags on the top, the helmet that she was 'required' to wear when doing anything dangerous. She was sitting in the driver's seat of the fulled-sized van, looking to the back, where all of her shinigami friends were sitting on each other's laps, and there were still a few more in the trunk. "Everyone comfortable?" She asked.

"No!" Screamed Torishi. "We're freaking stuffed back here! And how come Rakuen gets to sit in front?" Rakuen smiled and turned around, to look at her sister.

"Because _I'm _the teacher!" She cheered before returning to her original position. "Alright, Sora. Fire her up." Sora nodded and turned the key dramatically, and the car roared to life. It was suddenly at… LUDACRIS SPEED! Every single person screamed, and Torishi screeched like a monkey jacked up on Monster energy drinks.

"We're outta control! Everybody, PANIC!" Rakuen screamed before jumping through the window, which shattered, and caused a ton of random puppies, eyes too big to be real, to pour at seemingly impossible numbers into the already full van. Sora laughed madly as the small creatures blinded her, causing her to crash into a giant platypus. As a result of said platypus, the van to come to a sudden stop. It was at that moment that the Perry the Platypus theme song began playing. The flow of puppies came to a hault, and the ones already inside, morphed into rabid squirrles, and commenced ripping the faces of the already dead people off. Their screams could be heard even in Madagascar, where there is, sadly, nobody there to hear them.

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><p><em><strong>:…Toshiro…:<strong>_

_This can't be too hard._ Thought the short one as he buckled his seatbelt. His teal eyes were dull as he slowly started the car, so as not have a repeat of Sora's attempt, who was now nowhere to be found, which was rather worrisome. He sighed in relief as the car didn't move, but the engine roared to life. He put the car in reverse, and slowly pushed on the gas pedal. Sighing, he made his way outta the driveway with no problems. He looked in the rear-view mirror. "W… What the?" Screamed the white haired one as Rakuen stared at him, then looked in the mirror on her side, her face immediately falling to one of disbelief and a little disturbance.

"S… Sora…" She muttered, almost to herself as everyone turned around, immediately spotting the problem. Sora had somehow sat herself in a wagon that was attached to the back of the vehichle, her flags from her helmet flapping spastically in the wind. She was waving a flag back and forth, that said "GO TOSHIRO!" on it.

"YEAH!" She screamed as they went over a set of railroad tracks, sending her flying. The only thing that was seen was her blackened figure flying in front of the moon. There were about twenty cop cars following the teens, as well as a submarine(?), a helicopter, a tank, a plane, three UFO's and dinosaurs, causing much panic throughout the small town of Karakura, which was now half burnt down.

"TURN LEFT! TURN _LEFT!" _Rakuen screamed as the van swerved, taking out several hobos who were exchanging socks on the side of the road.

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><p><em><strong>:…Torishi…:<strong>_

Torishi literally hopped into the driver's seat, ready to begin her driving experience. "Now children!" yelled Rakuen, somehow changing this from driver's ed to a safety course. "You do _not _step on the pedal before you start the car, floor it, ride in a wagon on the back of the car, take out hobos, or jack a cop car. Even if it was just for his donuts." Sora looked down, obviously disappointed. "Ok. Torishi. Ease on the gas." Torishi did as she was told, everything seemingly going well, before Sora jumped out the window and on the top of the car, where she instantly began doing hip swivels in a bikini.

"Woohooooooo!" she screamed, getting many honks and dollar bills thrown at her, which, seeing as they were going down a highway at seventy miles-per-hour down the highway, nobody knew how it was happening. It was then that the SWAT team descended in helicopters, dropping anvils and purple elephants wearing tutus on random cars. Sora began freaking out, as the puppies that had flooded the car earlier began raining from the sky, along with cats, bunnies and Link from the Legend of Zelda series. Torishi slammed on the brakes and threw her hand in the air, causing the van to get rearended by a soccer mom in a station wagon.

"I'm done." She got outta the car, and instantly got hit by a UFO and abducted.

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><p><em><strong>:…Rukia…:<strong>_

"You can't make me! NOOOO!" Screamed Rukia as her friends tried to shove her into the van. "No! I… will… not… DRIVE!" The shinigami shoved her too hard and she went flying into the nearby river, and was swallowed up by the current. She was never seen again.

"I didn't murder her!" Yelled Ichigo from the back of the group, as she began running.

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><p><em><strong>:...Rakuen…:<strong>_

"You all fail." Rakuen said. "Sora, who we still can't find, didn't get her liscense. Torishi, I don't even know _how _she got a liscense, is somewhere in another galaxy. And Rukia is somewhere in the Hudson Bay. Ichigo ran away, and we can't find him anywhere. We destroyed Phineas and Ferb by killing Perry the Platypus. Then we took out some innocent hobos! That's it. We're never driving again…" She walked away, shaking her head. It was then that Sora jumped from beneath the Earth, hoarding moles with her.

"What'd I miss?" She asked.


End file.
